Where have I been??

It's been a month since I was here! Where the heck have I been? Am I dating myself when I use words like "heck"? I did have a birthday a few days ago, on the 25th anniversary of the eruption of Mt. St. Helens. I remember that day. I was packing my car to come home from my sophomore year in college, driving back to Ohio from Mass. with Carla and my friend Betta. Betta's sister was going to drive to Ohio from Chicago to pick her up at my house. Why do I remember such stuff? That summer I spent 2 months in Fla., waitressing at a 2nd class golf "resort" community, full of blue-hairs and bad tippers. I learned to respect waitresses, that's for sure. Another friend from college, Carrie, lived with me. I think I've only seen her one time since then. She moved to Spain, then eventually Peru & Guatamala (where she still is), working for USAID. Strange how people move in and out of our lives. Which ones get to stay? Which ones want to stay?
Back to the birthday, which was so great! How can I describe the feeling of sitting at the head of the table, while my husband and 4 boys sing happy birthday while presenting me with a chocolate ice cream cake and showering me with kisses and "I love you Mom"? For some bizzare reason I think of Jane Fonda and how her father never touched her, much less kissed her and told her he loved her. I look outside. A birthday present! It's an indigo bunting hopping around the pear tree. I haven't seen one since 1997 when Erika was here (our au pair, one of my favorite people in the whole world....she came into our life for only 12 months but she'll always be part of our family, even though she's in Sweden...will we ever see her again?) OK the bunting wasn't really a birthday present but it felt like one.
A lot of people when they get to my age have a midlife crisis. They aren't where they thought they'd be; their marriages aren't happy ones; and who knows about their kids? They go out and buy a red convertible thinking it will restore their squandered youth. (My gynelcologist did that. Last I heard he moved to Hawaii and was on wife #3). I can't say I didn't make some mistakes in my youth but they were all part of the zigzag path that brought me to this moment. This moment is so joyful! If I'm having a midlife crisis, it's more about wondering if I'll ever write anything anyone wants to read. Will I ever publish anything of consequence? No you couldn't call it a crisis. Just call it anticipating the future with desire and optimism.